Dear Conan,

Oh, my darling! Initially, you played hard to get, pretending not to care for my affections, coyly sidestepping every attempt I made to pet you. But, as days passed and you observed me, you slowly opened your heart. Oh, what joy!

I’ll never forget the day we truly bonded, with you resting your head on my lap, purring contentedly as I gently stroked behind your ears. From that moment, we were inseparable. You even claimed a spot in my bed, cleverly curling between my arm and chest, purring for me to hold you closer. You certainly have a way with winning hearts, my dear Conan.

Then came your gifts—a surprise that both shocked and amused me. The first, a gruesome display of birds remains in the shower, which left me shrieking while you looked on, presumably proud of your offering. Despite my gentle scolding, you continued to present me with such ‘treasures,’ including a mouse and, alarmingly, what appeared to be the heart of a small creature. Are these your way of showing love, Conan?

The other morning, I awoke before the sun and made my way down to the shower. I noticed something right outside my room, in the alcove; it seemed to be a dark mass. I turned on the hall light to get a better look, and what should it be but another gift from you, Conan. It was a small bird; feathers artfully decorating the carpet, its tiny head placed perfectly facing my room, as though watching me.

Conan, I cherish our time together—whether you’re cuddling on my lap as I work or gently headbutting my leg for attention. Your purrs, the soft digs of your claws, and the tickle of your sandpapery tongue are endearing. But, my dear, we must discuss your choice of gifts. While your intentions are undoubtedly pure, might I suggest a change?

Women do love gifts, but perhaps something less macabre would be better received. Imagine leaving flowers by my door or perhaps a box of gourmet truffles in the bathroom instead of your usual offerings. Such gifts would surely endear you even more to the ladies you aim to impress.

Despite everything, your beauty and charm are more than enough to forgive your unusual tokens of affection. I adore you immensely, Conan, but let’s aim for less dramatic expressions of love in the future.

With all my love,

Naomi

Note: Shortly after I returned home to the United States, poor Conan was laid to rest. He will forever be loved and missed.